Step one: be EVIL!!
.: True evilness can only be attained through one method: sacrifice of the living. Don’t worry, though! Many Goths erroneously assume “sacrifice of the living” demands human sacrifice. Not true! You can sacrifice anything that’s alive: worms, dung beetles, plants, and certain newscasters’ toupees—anything!
Can you spot the goth?
.: If there’s one fact that anyone can tell you, it’s that motorists hate Goths. As a Goth, you should avoid venturing outside during the day—when motorists can easily detect you. Instead, wait for nightfall to arrive, then you can go outside, but only if you wear dark clothing. That way, motorists will have a hard time seeing you.
Yes, those are bat wings
.: Nothing is more intimidating than being hissed at by some freaky-looking demon child with a dog collar around their throat. Nothing.
Step four: be meticulous in your appearance
.: Apply ancient Chinese principles to your daily makeup routine. Everything must be symmetrical. Only properly proportioned and applied corpse paint allows you to exert your full bleakness.
Step five: learn to appreciate the smaller things in life, like mosquitoes
.: Goths are always talking about how fascinating everything is, especially little things like shiny objects and duct tape. Well, as near as I can tell, mosquitoes are part of everything and are really small, so I guess if you want to be a Goth you have to like them by default.
Step six: describe everyday events in an overly verbose and annoyingly long manner
.: A simple “yeah” will not suffice, dammit! Take a cue from the Rotc boys and their “affirmative” by using something like, “to do so would enthrall my calamitous spirit and send ecstatic sparks of rejuvenating joy throughout my derelict mind of sorrow” instead!
Guy? Girl? Who knows?
.: When asked what music you enjoy, declare in an overly obnoxious and bombastic manner that Mayhem are the true lords of Norwegian Black Fucking Metal and everything else is untrue. As the only exception, you can substitute Burzum for Mayhem.
Step eight: don’t live in the following states:
.: Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Tennessee. Trust me.
Step nine: outgoth everybody else
.: The number one goal in every Goth’s tormented mind is to be more goth than every other Goth. This means you’ll probably have to pick up a second job on the side to pay for all the extra paraphernalia and crap.
Above: A "Soul Trapper," use with caution. Insert: A "Proton Pack," used to subdue souls long enough for Soul Trapper to be placed underneath. Warning: Do not cross beams of other Proton Packs.
.: Don’t bother with individual scavenging for soul collection; get ‘em all at once! Do this by attending groupings sealed off to the public. Like children’s birthday parties. You’ve already got the experience and expertise it takes to use make-up with your normal attire, disguising as a clown should be no problem! Helpful tip: a simple net will not retain souls effectively. Try using an ephemeral fire capsule of despair or a nice Sears’ brand trashcan.
Step eleven: make sure your feet stay clean
.: If necessary, spend an extra five minutes in the shower to clean your feet. This is extremely important. A Goth with clean feet is a Goth with happy feet!
Step twelve: skulk through cemeteries and other spooky sites
.: Spend at least half of your waking hours in a cemetery or funeral parlor. If questioned by an employee of said establishment, hiss loudly and run away screaming, "Vengeance will be mine!"