Saturday, April 12, 2003

.: BECOMING A GOTH IN 12 EASY STEPS!

Step one: be EVIL!!
.: True evilness can only be attained through one method: sacrifice of the living. Don’t worry, though! Many Goths erroneously assume “sacrifice of the living” demands human sacrifice. Not true! You can sacrifice anything that’s alive: worms, dung beetles, plants, and certain newscasters’ toupees—anything!

Can you spot the goth?
Step two: wear dark clothing, especially at night!
.: If there’s one fact that anyone can tell you, it’s that motorists hate Goths. As a Goth, you should avoid venturing outside during the day—when motorists can easily detect you. Instead, wait for nightfall to arrive, then you can go outside, but only if you wear dark clothing. That way, motorists will have a hard time seeing you.

Yes, those are bat wings
Step three: hiss at people who irk you
.: Nothing is more intimidating than being hissed at by some freaky-looking demon child with a dog collar around their throat. Nothing.

Step four: be meticulous in your appearance
.: Apply ancient Chinese principles to your daily makeup routine. Everything must be symmetrical. Only properly proportioned and applied corpse paint allows you to exert your full bleakness.

Step five: learn to appreciate the smaller things in life, like mosquitoes
.: Goths are always talking about how fascinating everything is, especially little things like shiny objects and duct tape. Well, as near as I can tell, mosquitoes are part of everything and are really small, so I guess if you want to be a Goth you have to like them by default.

Step six: describe everyday events in an overly verbose and annoyingly long manner
.: A simple “yeah” will not suffice, dammit! Take a cue from the Rotc boys and their “affirmative” by using something like, “to do so would enthrall my calamitous spirit and send ecstatic sparks of rejuvenating joy throughout my derelict mind of sorrow” instead!

Guy? Girl? Who knows?
Step seven: be “tr00”
.: When asked what music you enjoy, declare in an overly obnoxious and bombastic manner that Mayhem are the true lords of Norwegian Black Fucking Metal and everything else is untrue. As the only exception, you can substitute Burzum for Mayhem.

Step eight: don’t live in the following states:
.: Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Tennessee. Trust me.

Step nine: outgoth everybody else
.: The number one goal in every Goth’s tormented mind is to be more goth than every other Goth. This means you’ll probably have to pick up a second job on the side to pay for all the extra paraphernalia and crap.

Above: A "Soul Trapper," use with caution. Insert: A "Proton Pack," used to subdue souls long enough for Soul Trapper to be placed underneath. Warning: Do not cross beams of other Proton Packs.
Step ten: always collect souls en masse
.: Don’t bother with individual scavenging for soul collection; get ‘em all at once! Do this by attending groupings sealed off to the public. Like children’s birthday parties. You’ve already got the experience and expertise it takes to use make-up with your normal attire, disguising as a clown should be no problem! Helpful tip: a simple net will not retain souls effectively. Try using an ephemeral fire capsule of despair or a nice Sears’ brand trashcan.

Step eleven: make sure your feet stay clean
.: If necessary, spend an extra five minutes in the shower to clean your feet. This is extremely important. A Goth with clean feet is a Goth with happy feet!

Step twelve: skulk through cemeteries and other spooky sites
.: Spend at least half of your waking hours in a cemetery or funeral parlor. If questioned by an employee of said establishment, hiss loudly and run away screaming, "Vengeance will be mine!"

Friday, March 28, 2003

.: 90% TRUE HAS MOVED!!!!

.: I finally did it: I bought my very own domain name.

.: Appropiately enough, it's http://90percenttrue.com

.: There's a few problems with archiving, but it's nothing long, tedious work can't solve!

.: Oh yeah, like, please update your blogrolls and stuff.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003


In the spirit of Larkin’s recent posts at Shiny Objects, I’ve decided to link to the definition of some of the more obscure words.

.: ALPHABETICAL ORDER CAN KISS MY ASS!

.: The Woodlands High School has the worst scheduling system ever contrived. Instead of the oh-so-familiar 6 six weeks approach that normal high schools employ, The Woodlands uses 4 nine weeks. That's right: block scheduling. Not A-day/B-day, though. The way it works out, you have two blocks (18 weeks) per major class (Math, Science, History, English) and one block (9 weeks) per elective. Usually, a student will separate and spread out his major classes so that his schedule looks something like this:

    1st nine weeks:
    .: Math, first semester
    .: English, first semester
    .: Bullshit elective #1, entire course
    .: Bullshit elective #2, entire course

    2nd nine weeks:
    .: Math, second semester
    .: English, second semester
    .: Bullshit elective #3, entire course
    .: Bullshit elective #4, entire course

    3rd nine weeks:
    .: Science, first semester
    .: History, first semester
    .: Bullshit elective #5, entire course
    .: Bullshit elective #6, entire course

    4th nine weeks:
    .: Science, second semester
    .: History, second semester
    .: Bullshit elective #7, entire course
    .: Bullshit elective #8, entire course

.: That's a lot of bullshit. The classes are each an hour and a half long, so that translates to fifteen hours of bullshit per week. In all, you get 150 to 165 hours bullshit per nine weeks (since, naturally, the nine weeks turn out to actually be longer than nine weeks!).

.: My case is different, however. I came to The Woodlands just in time for the 3rd nine weeks. Of course, I had already finished the first semester of the major classes at my old school, so I'd have to enlist in four classes of complete bullshit for the 3rd nine weeks. Huzzah!

.: Those of you who've previously read 90% True will probably know the classes I took: Banking & Finance, Nutrition, Art History Appreciation, and Team Sports (a bullshit euphemism for "GYM"). Now that I've just finished all 11 of the 3rd nine weeks' nine weeks, I've been placed in the major classes: Pre-Cal, Chemistry, and English III. (Art History, unfortunately, stays since it's an abominable "18 Weeks" course.)

.: So far, these classes have turned out much better than the others--with a few noticable exceptions; namely: all of them.

.: Pre-Cal sucks because I'm not the only Cobb in it. Yes, it's true. Christi, my sub-retarded simian of a sister, is in the very same class as I. DAMMIT TO HIGH HOLY HELL ON A TRISCUIT! Within mere seconds of entering the room, my sister announces that I am her brother. Multitudes of incredulous Really?!s permeate the musky air of the under-ventilated classroom. Her girlishly clueless response: Really!

.: To my relief, the teacher explains I can sit wherever I want. Yes! I being I, and she being she, I pick the furthest spot away from Christi. Perfect! Day one in Pre-cal progresses without further ado. Day two in Pre-cal: new seating assignments! In alphabetical order!!!

.: Quick quiz: what comes after CHRISTI COBB? A: CODY COBB!

.: That WENCH! She promised I could sit anywhere I pleased! What kind of sadistic bastards run these schools?!

.: In between Pre-Cal and English III I have Chemistry. At least I think I do. I’m not really sure what the purpose of this class is. I guess it’s just a 90-minute rest period. Fortunately, the teacher lets you read!

.: I’m almost tempted to expand my rant on English class and make it separate. What the hell is wrong with this institution?! Right now we’re doing "research papers." Well what the hell is that?! Basically, my English teacher explains to me, we read a book, "research" it and then write a paper about it.

.: Huh?

.: Why bother? They must be under the notion that kids can’t possibly enjoy a book until they dissect every sentence and paragraph looking for some kind of profound meaning. I enjoyed Catch-22, and can easily summarize the entire book in eleven words: "You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t."

.: (That’s actually fourteen words, but we won’t count contractions.)

.: There’s no need for me to do a research paper. It’s not like the teachers actually read them, anyway. They look for a good thesis statement, read the intro, look at the paper’s layout (do you have your three body paragraphs and your compare/contrasts paragraph?) and read the conclusion. That’s all.

.: And the worst part about it all?

.: I ALREADY DID A RESEARCH PAPER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!!!

.: For my first semester of English III (which was at New Braunfels High School) we read The Crucible and then did a research paper over that. Holy hell.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

.: WHOOPS

.: I missed one. My bad.

Monday, March 24, 2003

.: GLBPTHASTHTHTHH!


.: This is getting out of hand. So, this Saturday I went with a few of my friends to see an awesome play (“Normal”) and the actor there, as part of a skit, says "I got something in the mail the other day from the National Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Asexual and Omnisexual Alliance... when the hell did THAT happen?" At the time it was funny. But now, it’s just downright embarrassing. I scoured the Internet for about three seconds and was able to come up with about 30 pointless groups all involving the homosexual “community.”
.: First, we have to ever popular PFLAG – Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. All right, simple enough. PFLAG could be a useful support group for a wide selection of people. For a more specific set of people (i.e., students), there’s usually a GSA – Gay/Straight Alliance. Again, simple. It’s a support group for gay students who are often discriminated against at school. For legal aspects, there’s a NLGLA – The National Lesbian and Gay Law Association. Their job is to fight against the kind of asinine legislation that allows for gays to be fired solely on a sexual orientation basis.
.: These are really the only types of groups the “community” needs. It’s counterproductive to have pretentious groups like WOW – Women Oriented Women, BIG – Bisexual Interest Group, and HIM – He’s Interested in Men. Wow, so you like other dudes/chicks instead of chicks/dudes! Here’s everyone else caring: “ ”
.: And I’m almost certain the people who start these groups don’t check to see if there are already pre-existing groups out there that suit their “mission.” Do we really need a LGRL – Lesbian Gay Rights Lobby when there’s a perfectly pointless GLAA – Gay and Lesbian Activists Alliance out there? Or what about GLAD – Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders? Wait, you might confuse that with GLAAD – Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
.: And some groups just have to be more specific than others. For instance, GLHA – Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association isn’t enough. No, we also need GALAH – Gay And Lesbian Atheists and Humanists!
.: And just so we don’t exclude all possible participants, there are numerous international organizations. GLUG – Gay and Lesbian Underwater Group is too exclusive because it’s only in England. That’s why there’s a IGLA – International Gay and Lesbian Aquatics. And for those of you who plan on traveling to France, there’s IGLTA – International Gay and Lesbian Travel Association. Of course, if the general ILGA – International Lesbian and Gay Association isn’t enough, there’s always the IGLFA – International Gay & Lesbian Football Association. Yeah, whatever.
.: Now, if you want to make your co-workers uneasy, simply tell them you’re a member of one of the vocational-oriented organizations/associations/groups/orgies. There’s the NLGJA – National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Associations, the GLMA – Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, the GLBA – Gay and Lesbian Business Association, and the unnecessarily lengthy NOGLSTP – National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals.
.: And finally, we have the downright confusing GLBTA – Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Ally Affairs Agency. What the hell is that?! Of all the aforementioned groups, you could at least infer their goal/purpose (however asinine it may be) from it’s name alone. With GLBTA, I have no idea.
.: So I’m gay. Who cares?! The entire world doesn’t need to know! Stop making these goddamn organizations! They’re mostly counterproductive, benefit absolutely no one, and give us normal homosexuals a bad name. Stop trying to “place” everybody into special groups, you bastards!



.: Do I even need to spell out NAMBLA?


OTHER BULLSHIT
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
Women Oriented Women (WOW)
Bisexual Interest Group (BIG)
He's Interested in Men (HIM)
Gay and Lesbian Business Association (GLBA)
Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Ally Affairs Agency (GLBTA)
Gay and Lesbian Underwater Group (GLUG)
National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals (NOGLSTP)
Lesbian Gay Rights Lobby (LGRL)
Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)
Gay Straight Alliance (GSA)
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (NGLTF)
Gay & Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA)
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD)
National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association (NLGJA)
Gay and Lesbian Arabic Society (GLAS)
International Lesbian and Gay Association (ILGA)
International Gay and Lesbian Travel Association (IGLTA)
Gay and Lesbian Activists Alliance (GLAA)
International Gay & Lesbian Aquatics (IGLA)
Harvard Gay and Lesbian Caucus (HGLC)
Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association (GLHA)
National Lesbian and Gay Law Association (NLGLA)
Gay and Lesbian Atheists and Humanists (GALAH)
International Gay & Lesbian Football Association (IGLFA)
League of Gay and Lesbian Voters (LGLV)